Cheers!! We Survived the First Month 👍

It has been a month today, since I last saw you O Beloved, the last time we shared a meal, a smile, a few tears, a bike ride, a train ride, a walk, a hug and that final farewell kiss. It has been a month, yet it feels like it was just yesterday. At the same time it also feels like years have passed. This state of relative time isn't new to us, you know that. The time we spent together also felt like eternity and momentary at the same instance. I don't know what you expected from me after you bade me farewell, but I am certainly a lot better than what I expected from myself. I have had my share of tears, though not enough till now, i believe. But don't worry, these aren't tears of complaints. These are the same tears which I gave you once. I am reaping what I sowed. So I have no regrets. You know me, I don't like blaming others for my problems for too long as it doesn't solve them. I try to take responsibility to find a way out of those problems. I know that you have communicated with me silently in your melancholic and solitary moments. So have I. Rather, now many people in my phone book know what happened. I never thought that I would be so open about my pain this time around. But it's not to malign you, rather as you used to say, it is the happiest moments of our lives, whereon we can love each other from a distance without the fear of losing. And that is why I chose to express my love for you in front of many people. Would have loved to see you doing the same but I understand that your circumstances place you differently. So that is ok. I have these negative thoughts sometimes that what if you stop loving me. But then I remember your smile and your cute talks, which fill my eyes with tears but also wash away this negativity from my mind. After a while, I will learn to live alone without needing anyone for emotional support. I will be my own motivator, my own emotional support.
But I would communicate with you here. As soon as I write this I would suppose that you have read it. The only difference being that now I don't get your reviews. But even that's ok. I love you, unconditionally, truly, deeply and madly.

Go O Beloved, Go and Live Your Life.

O Beloved, I don't know for how long you will remember me, let alone love me. Who knows, maybe you already have fallen in love with your husband whom you used to curse in front of me. I won't lie, it hurts, it hurts a lot, thinking that you won't love me anymore. But it's not wrong. Maybe he is actually worth loving, maybe he takes care of you, maybe he too gives you the freedom which you need, maybe he really loves you, even more than I ever could. If you ever feel that my memories are stopping you from loving him back, then I request you not to think like that. Love him back without thinking about me. Because it really hurts when our love doesn't get reciprocated. You and I both know this very well. There was a time when you loved me and I didn't reciprocate in the same manner. And the result is well in front of us. If you ever read this just know that i have set you completely free. You have no obligations towards me, at least none imposed from my side. So live your life the way you wish, as you wish, without thinking about me. I am sad but gradually would overcome this. At best you can just pray that i over come it as soon as possible.

Didn't Know What You had Become to Me

Babu, i didn't know what you really meant to me and I am sure you didn't know that either. It was only the day you left I realised what we had achieved in the short time, which would last me a lifetime. It was not a mere coincident that the very same day and may be at the same time I met with an accident, which badly injured the right side of my body. & here too I didn't have any fault. I just turned out to be a victim of someone else's bad judgment.
At that time, the pain of a broken heart surpassed the pain of a broken leg. I realised that you were my right half. As the Hindu mythology brings out the union of Shiva and Parvati as Ardhanarishwar, you and I are part of a divine union. Though not explicitly united in this world at the levels of this mortal body, we are one at the level of souls. I don't know if you would agree with me on this. But this fact gives me a joy unsurpassed by any other till now. It sometimes helps me overcome the pain of physical separation and gives me a hope for a future meeting. That in itself energises me. I can't explain the feeling but hopefully you would understand if and when you read this.

Saluting the Bravest Person I Know

I don't know what has suddenly transpired in me that I feel this sudden urge to pen down my feelings. But I know this for sure that unless I have expressed these I cannot move an inch further today. I am writing this to you O Beloved in the hope that someday you will read this. I write this for you because, firstly, these feelings and this post is all about you. Secondly, you are the most patient listener I have ever met. And thirdly, I have no one else to share these feelings with.

I want to salute you for the sacrifice you have made. No doubt, it has been hard for me and taken its toll, but still, if given a chance again, I would help you do it again, happily, if it brings you happiness and freedom. For with you I realised the subtle differences between ‘being in love’ and ‘to love’. I realised that if it was really love it will last a lifetime, no matter the distance.

Anyways, coming to the point as to why I wanted to salute your sacrifice. It is because it is not possible for everyone to give up their happiness just to satisfy a few egos. You knew it that no one was actually “happy” with this. Some just wanted to meet their social obligations. Some wanted to own you because of your pleasing appearance. While some more would not let their social prestige get tarnished just because a free thinking, independent girl was not happy.

But you O brave one, the bravest of the brave I have ever known, chose to keep your happiness at the altar of their false egos just to satisfy their lust for social acceptance. If they ever realise what wrong they have done to you, hopefully they too would do what I am doing today.

I, being selfish all along, wanted to keep you all for myself. But as the time of departure drew close, I realised that you like the air so pure, which shouldn’t be locked in the tight containers of my lust. You are like Ganges from heavens which needs to be given to his abysmally poor, hungry and love deprived world so that many a needy souls get the love which I have got.

I may never know how you are, but I would always wish for your happiness. Just a small request- when you are done with spreading love and happiness, if you can, just come back to me, for I too would love to love you once again. Certainly I would have learned to live without you by then but that won’t necessarily mean that I have actually been alive all these years. So just try to return, to fill my lungs with your freshness, to refresh my thirst parched throat, to bring me back to life.

Mornings Without You are like Days Without Air

When I lost you, I remember feeling my throat turn to sandpaper. The red veins that ran vibrant through my body suddenly turned cold. I lay still in my bed, hearing my heartbeat speed up as if I had just ran a marathon. It felt like the cells of my body suddenly froze, and my brain couldn't catch up to my heart. When I lost you, I could not even process it because you were all I knew. And my body did not know how to live in a place that wasn't connected to you.

  It felt like a dream. Except that I couldn't press the pause button and wake up. Maybe my brain was trying to protect me from my reality, but I felt numb all over; like my whole body was flooded with anesthesia. The scariest part was when the numbness died. And I felt everything. It didn't just come in waves, it came as a tsunami. And I was drowning for a long time. On some days, I don't even want to come up for air. I just want to sink deeper and deeper.

  Time, I always thought, was an enemy, as something to try to push back. But I found that time is my only friend during the loss of you. After a while, it made me want to swim instead of sink. It made me want to actually live my life again, instead of being a person walking around with ghosts in his head. People say that time heals all wounds, but I disagree. Time won't ever heal a wound to make you forget that it's there or to forget that it happened. Time leaves the scar to remind you of what you faced and how you fought through it. It will remind you of the excruciating pain, but also how you grimaced through it and then felt the relief when the cast came off.